The following is a humorous email I received from my aunt yesterday. Enjoy.
I must take a few moments, before we wave good-bye to 2006, to thank each & everyone of you for the wealth of information I have again received over this past year !!! Some of it I have received on numerous occasions in previous years, but at my age now, it is nice to have these more frequent reminders !!!!
A special thanks to whoever sent me the one about the cockroach eggs in the glue on envelopes, as I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing!!! ( this is especially handy at Christmas time).
Also, the rat sh_t on pop cans was a real eye opener !!!!!!! I now have to scrub & bleach the top of every can I open. (and I then got to thinking, if it is present on pop cans, it could also be present on all cans, so I now do this with every can I open just to be on the safe side !!!!!
I've cut up all my bank cards & always shred my X-ray films, now that I've learned that those guys use them at banking machines to access my bank account !!!!!!!!!
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to that sick little girl (Penny Brown I think it was) who has been 4 years old since 1995 & is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time!!!!)
And although I am totally broke, I am confident that will soon change, once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. (which reminds me, some of you have still not gotten back to me (as per my request) with your final figures on this issue !!!!!!!!)
I no longer stay in any of those fancy hotels with the plastic cards as your room key, since I learned that all my personal information is on them & they sell them to criminals, who in turn will break into my home or steal my car while I'm at work !!!!!!
Thanks heavens, I no longer worry about my soul, now that I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every single wish !!!
KFC, one of my all time favourites, is now history, because one of you informed me about the fact that their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use all those cancer-causing deodorants, but now smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to many of you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your great concern, I can no longer enjoy an occasional bottle of Coca Cola, since it is used by paramedics to remove blood off the freeways after an accident & is likely to eat my guts out !!!!
I now never buy gasoline without taking a body guard along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat while I'm pumping gas.
Pepsi and Dr. Pepper have been removed from my grocery list, since you told me the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I now do all my bread making from scratch, after learning of the fate of that poor woman whose Pillsbury canister exploded in her back seat that hot summer day !!
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. (actually not a big deal now, since I have just recently learned that anything heated in a microwave causes cancer !!! So, I now just eat my leftovers cold, right out of the fridge) And this was apparently just in time, since I read that I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore anyway, because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life !!!!!!
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with the AIDS virus!!!
I no longer go to shopping malls, for fear someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I am afraid to answer my phone anymore, for fear someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a $15,000 phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
My running shoes look ratty, but that will all change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. (once again, most of you have neglected to inform me as to how you are enjoying your new pair, as per my request !!!!)
I never flash my headlights at on-coming traffic, since learning this is the newest initiation for new gang members & they have to chase down & murder the first person that flashes their lights at them !!! (and I KNOW this is true, because someone typed a cop's name at the bottom of the email!!!)
Thanks to all of you, I can no longer use anyone's toilet but my own for fear a HUGE brown African spider is lurking under the seat, just waiting to cause me instant death when it bites my butt (this is particularly convenient while on vacation !!!).
And thanks to your great advice, I couldn't pick up the $20.00 I found dropped in the parking lot yesterday, since it was probably placed there by a sexual predator waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! It has become nearly impossible to drive my car anymore, since I cannot buy gas from just about every gas company for one reason or another !!!!
I threw out all my Teflon coated frying pans, after several of you told me hey give off gases that will kill my budgie bird !!!
Now, if ALL of you, don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 60 minutes, a gigantic dove with poisonous diarrhea, will land on your head at exactly 5:00 PM (Saskatchewan time) and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back causing you to grow a hairy hump !!! And BELIEVE me, this is TRUTH & FACT !!!!!!!!! I absolutely KNOW this will occur, because it actually DID happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's nephew's friend, who is a beautician in Africa !!!!
Yup !!!!!!!!........I can hardly wait for 2007 to unfold !!!!!!!!